Memoirs of a Pantomime...

No ZzZzZzZz.....

Fri, 18 May 2007 08:21:27 GMT

I can't sleep. I keep dreaming of a house. A great, big house....

I went to sleep around 11:40, but woke up around 3:05 a.m. with a crazy dream of living in a house on Grand Boulevard.

This house is crazy! Huge, lots of bedrooms and bathrooms, fireplaces, chill places, even a stripper pole! (hahah Jace)

I can't even begin to describe how zany this house is, it's beautiful, 3 stories plus basement, 3700 square foot. Fireplaces, one with a mantelpiece taller than me. Even a full porch and everything! Parking lot for ourselves, Caribbean cuisine just a stone's throw away, a frickin living room bigger than 1/3 of my house now, etc., etc.

I have to try to go to sleep, I work tomorrow, trying to make the big bucks so I can afford living in this house. I got some money, but I need an additional job, SOON.

Anyone with resume-making experience, get in touch with me, I need your help.

4:19 a.m., signing off....

Peace.

Trying to escape the drama...

Tue, 15 May 2007 19:12:02 GMT

I'm trying so hard, to escape all drama.

Now it's getting force-fed to me.

So, I'm eliminating all the people trying to do the feeding.

If you want to be a part of my life, you can always come to me with your problems, I'll be there for you.

But, if you start drama in MY life, back the fuck off.

I'm about to turn 27 years old, and I've grown out of this phase a long time ago. I'm just about to escape it's clutches, and people are trying to drag me back in.

Well, guess what? If you're gonna try that shit on me, we don't have to be friends.

Either resolve this shit quick, or go find someone else to hang with.

Peace.

ARGH

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:22:32 GMT

Where's the April showers to bring the May flowers?? If it keeps snowing this month, I may just go insane, I need my hackey sack days!

Inspiring...

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 15:46:25 GMT

TWITCHING

BY MARK TWIGHT

What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this. But you drank the Kool-Aid and dressed yourself up in someone else's life.

You're haunted because you remember having something more. With each drag of the razor you ask yourself why you piss your blood into another man's cup. Working at the job he offered, your future is between his thumb and forefinger. And the necessary accessories, the proclamations of success you thought gave you stability provide your boss security. Your debt encourages acquiescence, the heavy mortgage makes you polite.

Aren't you sick of being tempted by an alternative lifestyle, but bound by chains of your own choosing? Of the gnawing doubt that the college graduate, path of least resistance is the right way for you - for ever? Each weekend you prepare for the two weeks each summer when you wake up each day and really ride, or climb; the only imperative being to go to bed tired. When booming thermals shoot you full of juice and your Vario shrieks 7m/sec, you wonder if the lines will pop. The risk pares away life’s trivia. Up there, sucking down the thin cumulus, the earth looks small, the boss even smaller, and you wish it could go on forever. But a wish is all it will ever be.

Because the ground is hard. Monday morning is harsh. You wear the hangover of your weekend rush under a strict and proper suit and tie. You listen to NPR because it's inoffensive, PFC: Politically Fucking Correct. Where's the counter-cultural righteousness that had you flirting with Bad Religion and the vintage Pistols tape over the weekend? On Monday you eat frozen food and live the homogenized city experience. But Sunday you thought about cutting your hair very short. You wanted a little more volume and wondered how out of place you looked in the Sub Pop Music Store. Flipping through the import section, you didn't recognize any of the bands. KMFDM? It stands for Kill Mother Fucking Depeche Mode. Didn't you know? How could you not?

Tuesday you look at the face in the mirror again. It stares back, accusing. How can you get by on that one weekly dose? How can you be satisfied by the artifice of these experiences? Why should your words mean anything? They aren't learned by heart and written in blood. If you cannot grasp the consciousness-altering experience that real mastery of these disciplines proposes, of what value is your participation? The truth is pointless when it is shallow. Do you have the courage to live with the integrity that stabs deep?

Use the mirror to cut to the heart of things and uncover your true self. Use the razor to cut away what you don't need. The life you want to live has no recipe. Following the recipe got you here in the first place:

Mix one high school diploma with an undergrad degree and a college sweetheart. With a whisk (or a whip) blend two cars, a poorly built house in a cul de sac, and fifty hours a week working for a board that doesn't give a shit about you. Reproduce once. Then again. Place all ingredients in a rut, or a grave. One is a bit longer than the other. Bake thoroughly until the resulting life is set. Rigid. With no way out. Serve and enjoy.

But there is a way out. Live the lifestyle instead of paying lip service to the lifestyle. Live with commitment. With emotional content. Live whatever life you choose honestly. Give up this renaissance man, dilettante bullshit of doing a lot of different things (and none of them very well by real standards). Get to the guts of one thing; accept, without casuistry, the responsibility of making a choice. When you live honestly, you can not separate your mind from your body, or your thoughts from your actions.

Tell the truth. First, to yourself. Say it until it hurts. Learn the reality of your own selfishness. Quit living for other people at the expense of your own self, you're not really alive. You live in the land of denial - and they say the view is pretty a long as you remain asleep.

Well it's time to WAKE THE FUCK UP!

So do it. Wake up. When you drink the coffee tomorrow, take it black and notice it. Feel the caffeine surge through you. Don't take it for granted. Use it for something. Burn the Grisham books. Sell the bad CDs. Mariah Carey, Dave Mathews and N Sync aren’t part of the soundtrack where you're going.

Cut your hair. Don't worry about the gray. If you're good at what you do, no one cares what you look like. Go to the weight room. Learn the difference between actually working out and what you've been doing. Live for the Iron and the fresh air. Punish your body to perfect your soul. Kick the habit of being nice to everyone you meet. Do they deserve it? Say "no" more often.

Quit posturing at the weekly parties. Your high pulse rate, your 5.12s and quick time on the Slickrock Trail don't mean shit to anybody else. These numbers are the measuring sticks of your own progress; show, don't tell. Don’t react to the itch with a scratch. Instead, learn it. Honor the necessity of both the itch and the scratch. But a haircut and a new soundtrack do not a modern man make. As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment. You'll go back to your old habits once you meet a little resistance. You need the samurai's desperateness and his insanity.

Burn the bridge. Nuke the foundation. Back yourself up against a wall. Have an opinion one way or the other, get off the fence and rip it up. Cut yourself off so there is no going back. Once you're committed the truth will come out. You ask about security? What you need is uncertainty. What you need is confusion; something that forces you to reinvent yourself, a whip to drive you harder.

In Dune, Frank Herbert called it "the attitude of the knife,” cut off what’s incomplete and say “now it has finished, for it has ended there.” So finish it, and walk away, forward. Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning. Only your best effort matters. Life is a Meritocracy, with death as the auditor. Inconsistency, incompetence and lies are all cut short by that final word. Death will change you if you can't change yourself.

"Admiration" by Incubus

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 05:33:39 GMT

Could you move in slow motion?
Everthing goes by so fast,
Just slow down a little,
Save the best part for last,

You speak in riddles,
Your intentions turn me old,
I'm yours forever,
Will you love me when I'm gone?

When I'm gone,
You're an undiscovered!
(When I'm gone,)
Over walls we've trampled!
(When I'm gone,)
It's you I admire!
(When I'm gone,)
My living example...

oh,
Your eyes are an undi-
scovered ocean far away,
Any minute now keeping,
Both poets and priests at bay,

eh, don't get ahead of me, could we,
Just this once see eye to eye?
Could you want perhaps me?
Ask me how it feels to vie?

To vie,
You're an undiscovered!
(To vie,)
Over walls we've trampled!
(To vie,)
It's you I admire!
(To vie,)
My living example...

It's a photograph discovered,
A decade after,
It's a cannon-blast disguised as a, firecracker,
It's enough to bring a brick wall,
To its knees,
And sing,
Please, oooo...

Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast,
Just slow down a little,
Save the best part for last,

For last,
You're an undiscovered!
(For last,)
Over walls we've trampled!
(For last,)
It's you I admire!
(For last,)
My living example!
My living example,

It's you I admire!
My living example...

Here's something to cheer you up...

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 05:17:48 GMT

"Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust... and friendship."

-- The Mooninites

(advanced beyond your comprehension)

Risk Taking...

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 08:12:23 GMT

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To explore feelings is to risk exploring your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person, who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by their certitude’s they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.

(Inter-Collegiate Retreat, February 1994; Author: Unknown)

Drive by Incubus

Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear  

And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer  

It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague  

Haunting mass appeal  

Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there  

With open arms and open eyes yeah  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there  

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive  

Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh  

It's driven me before, it seems to be the way  

That everyone else get around  

Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there  

With open arms and open eyes yeah  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there  

Would you choose water over wine  

Hold the wheel and drive  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there  

With open arms and open eyes yeah  

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there 



Risk... very scary shit.  But if risks are not worth taking, and life itself is constructed of risks, why even continue living?

::sigh::

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 05:42:04 GMT

Well, I'm doing better now, with the support of my friends....

Just had to wig out for a bit, needed to release some pent-up shit.

Anyways, no one's giving me any advice about the tat, wtf, like every single person I know has at least one if not like 10+, where are all of you?

Also, maybe be looking for a roommate(s) sometime this summer, hit me up if you're interested...

Peace.

Well.....

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 01:16:59 GMT

As some of you may know, my mother and I have been butting heads for years about what I was allowed to do to my own body, i.e. tattoos and piercings. For years, she's dangled the threat of booting me out of the house the second I receive either one. After years of bickering, hypothetical examples, and plea bargains, she's finally agreed to give me some space. In other words, I'm getting a tattoo soon! I'm so excited, I can hardly contain myself.

If anyone has ANY recommendations (hopefully with some examples of their work) for an artist, please get back to me. I'm on the prowl now, and I want to make sure I do this right the first time.

Also, I am always price conscious. However, if I have to pay a little extra to make sure that I get the best, then I will, of course.

Get back to me soon, I'm really excited, and I want this done soon!!

Peace.

...

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 09:33:02 GMT

I don't even know who reads this anymore really, but here goes...

It seems that "certain people" in my life do not understand what the word "friendship" really means.

I'll tell you the truth, just due to exposure, I may have lost the true meaning for a while, and for that, if I have offended anyone, I apologize.

Back to this now...

Okay, friendship is a complex thing, and there are certain definitions we need to have clarified before we can even delve into this.

1) Love: love is not just a strong attraction you feel for someone. It's not just growing used to somebody. It's growing with somebody. It's going through the good and the bad, and coming out the stronger and wiser for it. It's about being nice and considerate for no reason at all.

a) (for friends) true friendship has love involved. You cannot throw a true friendship out in one day, if it was real in the first place. It'd be worth more than that.

b) (for couples) a security blanket is not a good reason to keep seeing someone that you love, but are not in love with. Open yourself to the world, with it's ups and downs, and stop hiding behind your shield of misguided desire.

2) Communication: communication is not just sharing gossip. It's not just whining about problems you yourself cause time and time again. Communication is the meeting of two or more minds, personalities, souls, and hearts. That means that communication encompasses everything. You don't intentionally hide something during true communication. If you're trying to communicate with someone, and you think to yourself "Well, they probably don't want to hear about that," and then you don't talk about whatever's on your mind, that is not true communication. If you think it is, you really need to do some rethinking about how you define communication.

Well, now that that's in the open, now on to friendship.

Friendship involves time (both in groups and one-on-one), love, and communication. If you're not willing to give these three things, then your friendship with me is shaky at best. I have a need as a human being to bond with, and become close to, my good friends. Maybe I am abnormal, but I'm not changing, so if my company is worth anything to you, show you care.

Oh, and as a side rant, you people (you know who you are) need to learn what a true relationship really is.

If he/she cheats on you, that's not a bump in the road, it's time to move on.

If you find yourself thinking "Well, (s)he'll get better with time, (s)he'll mature and grow out of this behavior," most likely you are totally wrong.
(This one goes out to one person in particular, but still applies generally) If he ever lays a finger on you (again), a) you two need to break up, and b) I'm kicking his fucking ass no matter how much you beg me not to.

If you find your relationship to be a source of stress and anxiety, it's probably not bumps in the road, but a signal of major incompatibility.

Ask yourself, are you in love with a) you sig. other, b) your relationship w. that person, or c) the idea of a relationship in your head? Look closely...

If you love someone, but aren't "in love" with that person, it's time to move on, there is practically nothing you can do to revive that relationship.

If you find one of the major reasons you don't break up with your sig. other is the fear of being alone or not being able to find somebody else to fill that position in your life, try thinking outside the box. Whoever you are, there are literally hundreds of millions of eligible people for you, and who knows, maybe the person you're looking for is closer than you think...

Peace.

P.S. I'm now 3 and one half days into quitting smoking, so this post is more than likely due to the huge negative withdrawal effects of quitting. Sorry.

A pigment of my hallucination...

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 07:04:42 GMT

So, last night I gave up smoking. This was at 8:19 p.m. Thursday. Life since then, on a precise calendar, since this is all weird for me:

Fell asleep before 9 p.m.

Woke up at 3:30 a.m., stayed up til 6, went back to sleep.

Woke up at 9:30 a.m., hours before my alarm clocks were set.

Start to fiend for a cig really bad.

Wake up sleeping friends, just for conversation, and to warn them of potential Myspace viruses.

Sometime around 1:00, I start having mild hallucinations / distorted thinking.

Decide to watch the movie "Interstate 60", with no idea what it is. It kind of starts a flashback for me, since it's such a weird movie.

Now, it's 2:00 a.m. the next day, Saturday morning, and I'm doing a little better. Hopefully it'll get easier for me when I wake up, and I'll be able to kick this shitty habit.

Peace.

Peace and calm...

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 16:43:28 GMT

Well, if you read the title, and you're still reading this now, this will be just an introspective entry about who I am today, and what I am doing, and what it means to me. Still interested? Read on...

Well, things have been going pretty good for me lately, in all honesty. I'm having fun, getting things accomplished, especially tasks both old and new. Seeing my many good friends, and my best ones, and enjoying this beautiful thing which is life.

I really feel a strong sense of accomplishment in what I have completed lately, especially in the last few weeks. My room, which has been kinda messy for a long time now, is finally spotless once again. For a long time I ignored that problem, but now that I have tackled and successfully wrestled it down for the three-count, I feel a lot better.

Cleaning my room was very hard on me, though. I found many things, from birthday and Xmas cards from my deceased grandparents and my father, to many things given to me by these same people. I've basically been taking a long trip down memory lane while I've been cleaning. Honestly, it has been very cathartic. I was very sad and despondent for a while, but now I'm doing much better.

I have made some discoveries about myself, and the world in general. I have now discovered for myself the true reasons I am the way I am in many aspects of my life, ironically by trying to explain the same thing about myself, but to someone else. I feel as if I have definitely taken another large step on my own spiritual path in this life.

I have also come back in touch with aspects of my persona I have been away from for a long time, and it's very refreshing. Many parts I had long thought atrophied have sprung back with new life, and i couldn't be much happier (well, maybe some more things... and not materialistic goals, either...)

The normal aspects of my life at this moment (school, work, etc.) have been going great, which is why I have had the time to contemplate things so intensely lately. I believe I'm moving forward a little every day, down the path I want to tread, and I find comfort in that.

I know I'm being very general in this post, but I'm keeping my own counsel for now. Hopefully soon, I will be able to share this at least a little more openly, but for now, it's for me and me alone.

Well, I know it was probably boring for you, dear reader, but now you have a slight glimpse into what is going on in my mind right now.

Peace.

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 02:59:42 GMT

Things are going well on a personal level. Things might just turn out how i envision them,a nd that would be a huge bonus.

School's still a drag, though. I think I did pretty shitty on my Bio lab final, but hopefully, the rest of my work in that class will pick that grade right back up. (I hope)

Besides that, nothing much to report, I am seriously craving this break coming up, maybe I'll sleep straight for 2 days, and then I'll spend the next 2 days solid meditating. It'd be nice!

Peace.

Holidaze...

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 07:52:07 GMT

So, my "holiday vacation" was anything but. Yet, I had a shit ton of fun!!

Wed: Went to the bar (busiest bar night of the year) and that was ok, but not great. Whatever, it was a night, and I hung out with friends, so what else matters?

Thurs: Homework, and eating massive amounts of food. Then went to my boy John's aunt and uncle's house, had some fun there (texas hold'em and mental gymnastics (also known as K'Niblin pins)), then went to Joe and Melissa's townhouse and chilled for a bit. Had a lot of fun, I miss hanging out!! Once school's done, I don't think I'm going to accomplish anything, I just need to relax for real.

Fri: Homework, and then worked bartender for Sandy. Hope she appreciated it, because I lost a TON of homework time because of this. Made some money, so a semi-profitable day.

Sat: Got out of working today, and went to Dan and Beth's wedding! Damn, but that was the shit! I really miss my school peeps, but at the same time many people were "standoffish". I hope I didn't come off that way too, I was making sure my friend Paige, who was nice enough to come with me, stayed entertained. However, I got some phone numbers I thought I had lost forever (most notably Joe Scott and Sam "Mr. Bung"), and I plan on staying in contact with everyone as long as I can. Damn, though, I was very drunk and fucked up, but I had a whole lot of fun, I danced (not liquid (much)), and I was able to chat with people I haven't seen in literally years. Best to Dan and Beth, you guys will go on forever like the Energizer Bunny!!

Also, special shoutouts for my livejournal school friends, Katie, Holly, and Alyssa, it was great to party with you all, let's do it again soon!

Sun: Woke up, went to work for like 10 hours, and now I am trying to finish my homework that's due Monday. I think I'm just going to skip the Chinese for now, I'll turn it in late on Wed, but I still have this speech, and research on Jack Kerouac. (Brad, where are you when I need you most, buddy?)

All in all, a very fun, but not very productive school-wise, holiday break. Damn I needed that, but now I will pay for it in blood, sweat and tears.

Peace out, I'll post something soon, not gonna neglect this site as much now (at least I plan not to).

...........................

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 16:15:24 GMT

Well, it's not several weeks into the semester, and I've been swamped since the get-go. I haven't seen some of my best friends for weeks now, and it may be months before we hang out again. However, my school work is progressing at an astonishing rate. I am learning so much so quickly that it's almost like I can store more since the pace is so fast... I wonder if I have a learning capacity that I will reach someday?

Anyways, I'm sad that Chris is leaving for 2 1/4 years... I went to his going-away party on Saturday (for which my homework suffered severely) but it was worth it. I got together with all of the people who made my years in college so special, and I will never forget those times or this time. I'm happy that Chris is following his dream, though. Even though he has to leave Tiffany behind, he is still following his heart, and that means that only good can come from this.

I do feel sorry for Tiffany, though. It must be so very hard on her. Katie told me that she and Alyssa had to calm her down, since she was crying in her sleep about Chris. I wish her the best, but for some reason I just don't feel like she wants my comfort. Well, she is surrounded by great friends, and I have no doubt that she will make it through in the end.

So now Brad, Joe, and Chris are gone... some of the most worthwhile friends I have ever made at Wayne. Life is approaching fast, and I think I have an inkling now of what they have gone through, and that Chris is going through now. Michigan is great, but people who look to the future know that they must expand their horizons, and look beyond our borders...

Joe, you are going to a great school, you won't have much time to miss everyone before you make a ton of new friends, many of which are geniuses like you. Brad, you just kind of got thrown into a totally new situation, I hope that you can connect with people in Boise like you have with all of us in Detroit. Chris, good journey, you are accumulating great karma for what you are doing, and I can think of nothing else but to say that I commend and respect what you are doing.

Well, I guess I have to get back to the sedentary lifestyle that will ensure my great grades. Hopefully, (and frightfully) I will be the next one to leave the Great Lakes area to make my mark on the world.

Peace.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 06:55:05 GMT

Your Birthdate: August 7

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 17:27:20 GMT

Cloud of interests for loganeb

anime anything but bush aqua teen hunger force astral projection beatniks books buddhism charities cowboy bebop enlightenment etc. family guy futurama gung fu hackey sack hedons hippies hypnotism incubus inuyasha kung fu levitation meditation movies music peace philosophy poetry qigong rastafarianism revolutions riddles starlight summer tao the moon video games zen
Created by lazy_neko

From Alyssa...

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 22:33:02 GMT

My father has passed away.

Wujek-Calcaterra on 16 Mile and Schoenherr Road:
Monday, 5:00 P.M. to 9:00 P.M. Viewing
Tuesday, 3:00 P.M. to 9:00 P.M. Viewing

Faith Lutheran Church on 16 Mile and Dequindre
Wednesday, 10:00 A.M. Instate
11:00 A.M. Service

It doesn't get much worse than this...

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 23:08:12 GMT

My father is not doing good. We as a family are working out schedules to help take care of him together, as my stepmother who is right now shouldering most of the work is basically having a breakdown. He's on a chemotherapy drug called Tarceva that was supposed to slow down his cancer, but to little avail. His only hope now is the Paw-Paw extract that I found out about with the help of my mother and the internet. If not, then my job as a loyal, loving son is to help make the rest of his life comfortable, and filled with good times and friends and family.

I just can't deal with this shit. Why is my father being ripped away from me so early in both of our lives? The way things are going, and if the Paw-Paw doesn't help, he probably won't see me get married, have kids, even get my bachelor's from college. I just want him to be present in my life, in my journey to become a productive person with a family on this Earth.

He took care of himself. He was in great health, better physical shape than I ever was, ate right, didn't smoke, didn't drink in excess, didn't do anything harmful to himself. He worked to get himself in prime shape because heart problems run in the paternal side of my family, and most of the Bellia men died in their fortys due to heart problems. Well, he got pass that, and now this fucking cancer, which usually occurs in men a decade or more older than he is, is taking him from me a day at a time. He's just gradually wasting away.

I would wish this on no person, no matter how terrible.

Mon, 08 Aug 2005 19:28:32 GMT

bold all that apply to you & then add one.

(I got this from my friend, the WHACKO!!)

01. I miss somebody right now

02. I don't watch much TV these days

03. I love olives (they're O.K.)

04. I love sleeping

05. I own lots of books

06. I wear glasses or contact lenses

07. I love to play video games

08. I've tried marijuana

09. I've watched porn movies

10. I have been in a threesome

11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship

12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy

13. I have acne free skin

14. I like and respect Al Sharpton

15. I cuss frequently

16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year

17. I have a hobby

18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.

19. I carry my knife/razor in my car.

20. I'm smart (I'd like to think so)

21. I've never broken someone's bones

22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal (I would only tell those I am with, if ya know what I mean)

23. I hate the rain (I LOVE the smell of rain.)

24. I'm paranoid at times

. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar free

26. I need money right now!

27. I love Sushi

28. I talk really, really fast (Sometimes...)

29. I have fresh breath in the morning

30. I have semi-long hair (not anymore... :( )

31. I've lost money is Las Vegas

32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister

33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.

34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis

35. I have a twin

36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past

37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D. (I could survive, but it would kinda suck..)

38. I like the way that I look

39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months

40. I know how to do cornrows

41. I am usually pessimistic

42. I have a lot of mood swings

43. I think prostitution should be legalized

44. I think Britney Spears is hot (only in her videos, not in any of the "unprepared" pictures I've seen of her.)

45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past (NEVER!!!!)

46. I have a hidden talent (Maybe.... but you'll never know)

47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have (Sometimes)

48. I think that I'm popular

49. I can whistle

50. I have kissed someone of the same sex

51. I enjoy talking on the phone

52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants

53. I love to shop (I'm dangerous with a Visa)

54. I would rather shop than eat

55. I would classify myself as ghetto (Um, no)

56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.

57. I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal

58. I don't hate anyone

59. I'm a pretty good dancer (LIQUID!!!)

60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington

61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother

62. I have a cell phone

63. I believe in God

64. I watch MTV on a daily basis

65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months

66. I love drama (um....no)

67. I have never been in a real relationship before (Never longer than a couple of months... :( )

68. I've rejected someone before

69. I currently have a crush on someone

70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life

71. I want to have children in the future

72. I have changed a diaper before

73. I've called the cops on a friend before (No, but at least once I should have)

74. I bite my nails

75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club

76. I'm not allergic to anything

77. I have a lot to learn

78. I have dated/ shagged someone at least 10 years older or younger

79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie

80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes

81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message

82. I have at least 5 away messages saved...(Try nineteen)

83. I have tried alcohol and/or drugs before

84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past

85. I own the "South Park" movie

86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal

87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum

88. I enjoy some country music (very rarely)

90. I think that Pizza Hut did have/has the best pizza (Pizza Populous, Buddy's)

91. I watch soap operas whenever I can (Days of Our Lives!)

92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist (Used to be sometimes)

93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career

94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all

95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"

96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy

97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it

98. I cry at least twice a week

99. I am happy at this current moment

100. I think the Beagle is the best breed of dog

101. I hate my job

102. I've been on TV (Nothing big, but you can pick me out of the crowd)

103. I am irrationally attracted to campy handbags

104: I deliberately didn't bold at least one statement on this list that should've been bolded.

105: I love the scents of my SigOth.

106. I have a college degree. (Damn close!!)

107. I can point my feet and toes like a ballerina/gymnast

108. I own far too many CDs.

109. I know all the words to "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground

110. I am obsessed with large breasts (They can be nice, but not really)

111. I am almost never bored.

112. I believe myself to be very lazy.

113. I was a child prodigy and loved most of it (except all of the ragging I got from being one of the "smart kids")

114. I have a thing for slender, dark-haired boys who aren't Asian.

115. I was really unattractive growing up (I'd like to think not)

116. I am attending/want to attend a college out of state

<>117. I bitch and complain on a regular basis (Not that often, no)</>

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 18:03:07 GMT

Bold all that apply to you, and then post on your LJ.
01. I have kissed someone of the same sex on the lips.
02. I used to or do see a therapist.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am drawn to things associated with sadness.
05. I have gauged ears.
06. I wear black eyeliner every day.
07. I am extremely influenced by kindness.
08. I love to write.
09. I can't live without lipgloss/chapstick.
10. I'm probably emotionally scarred.
11. I lived in Tahoe.
12. I spend money I have.
13. I'll be in college for over 4 years.
14. I love designer handbags.
15. I've had a concussion before.
16. I'm not good with confrontation.
17. I loved the Backstreet Boys.
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories.
19. I'm addicted to Degrassi.
20. I've tried writing poetry before and failed.
21. My first kiss was unexpected.
22. I'm not a fan of rap. (Most of it)
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I don't like girls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. I love AFI.
27. I have kissed someone who's name starts with a "M".
28. I have way too many pairs of shoes.
29. I was into Hot Wheels as a child.
30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. My room is painted a color other than white.
32. I cry very easily.
33. I'm always late.
34. I barely ever study for tests. (This was true till about 2 years ago)
35. My birthday is my favorite holiday.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I am a morning person.
38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I believe that it is wrong to be gay.
40. I think that its perfectly ok to be gay.
41. No one REALLY knows me. (People have NO IDEA)
42. I don't have many bad hair days.
43. I sometimes fight with my parents. (At least my mom)
44. I am passionate about my interests.
45. I have had the chicken pox.
46. I'm a hopeless romantic.
47. I feel empty sometimes but so does everyone.
48. I am/was most likely clinically depressed at a point in my life.
49. I am no longer depressed. ( at least i don't think I am at the moment)
50. I am very outgoing.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure.
53. I've been told I'm very softspoken.
54. I'm a virgin.
55. I love the color yellow.
56. I like guys that play the guitar. (I like anyone who has the dedication to learn the guitar, period.)
57. I state the obvious. ( I have an uncanny talent for stating the obvious)
58. I'm a happy person.
59. I have absolutely no self-confidence.
60. I've contemplated suicide.
61. I hate cleaning my room.
62. I tend to get jealous.
63. I like to play video games.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I get more upset when I see an animal hurt than a person. (Depends)
66. I'm a vegetarian or a vegan. (Considering it)
67. I have a thought a teacher was cute before
68. I am too forgiving.
69. I bite my nails sometimes.
70. I have a good sense of direction.
71. I've never had a boyfriend/girlfriend before. (Nothing really serious)
72. I've played a musical instrument for over 5 years.
73. I can function perfectly well without a girlfriend/boyfriend.
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color blue.
76. I don't sew. (I can sew my hackey-sack).
77. I am not addicted to drugs. (Cigarettes, but I'm working on it)
78. I wear contacts.
79. I hate it when people say they hate Bush because he is a moron. ( He's more ofa jack ass and a weasle if you ask me...)
80. I hate Bush.
81. I don't take criticism well.
82. Conformity is stupid.
83. Chris Carrabba is one of the sexiest men alive.
84. So is Conor from Bright Eyes.
85. I love my family.
86. I don't mind getting shots.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums. (Hand drums)
89. I play the guitar.
90. I'm probably/already going to/have have/had premarital sex. (Probably)
91. I have had Mono.
92. I am very religious.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. I am ridiculously indecisive.
95. I believe in a higher power or some form of an afterlife
96. I love music.
97. I'm in love.
98. I have problems letting go of people.
99. Jesse Lacey writes some of the most amazing lyrics ever.
100. I don't really like ice cream.
101. I have freckles.
102. My birthday is in December.
103. Brody Dalle is pretty.
104. I like older guys.
105. I've gotten in numerous fights, and have won all of them.
106. I get very bored easily.
107. My parents arent together
108. I don't even know what my natural hair color is anymore.
109. I get really anxious in big crowds of unfamiliar people.
110. I have my nose pierced.
111. I like to work out.
112. I am obsessed with Tommy Hilfiger.
113. I used to make myself throw up/ starve myself.
114. I pierced my own penis.
115. I've lost so many people close to me already, that I'm scared to let people get close to me, in fear that I'll lose them to...
116. I sometimes think that I'll never find the "right one" to settle down with.
117. I'm secretly a "freak" in bed.

Sat, 30 Jul 2005 02:07:26 GMT

http://www.fat-pie.com/flash.htm

Look at the Salad Fingers episodes, make sure you go from 1 to 6.

Check this out, kinda weird, do NOT watch in the presence of small children, the elderly, or while under the effects of hallucinogens.

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 19:07:12 GMT

Your Leo Drinking Style

You love to drink and dance -- you're likely a fabulous dancer.
You're usually pretty a good drinker as well, losing your commanding dignity and turning kittenish.
Of course, you're quite aware you're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all.
You generally know your limit, probably because you loathe losing self-control.

When you get over-refreshed, flirting will ensue -- and perhaps not with the person what brought you.
But you are not the type to break rules even when drunk, so others try to ignore your naughty behavior.
You'll just make up for it with a sheepish (and hung over) apology the next day.

Your Signature Cocktails

Leos like flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai tai. Indeed, you often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or add an extra cherry to the next Manhattan. Your sense of drama lends itself to a kir royale, of course.

Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies

Edward Norton, Bill Clinton, Madonna, Debra Messing, Martha Stewart, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Christian Slater, and Fred Durst.

What's Your Alcohoroscope?

Fascism.... get used to it?

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 12:53:03 GMT

I believe we now officially live in a fascist nation.

Click here.

We fulfill every tenet. It's fuckin scary. We don't need the end result of capitalism: plutocracy.

Think freely. Don't just take my word for it. Research, look at the news, see the memos, and tell me your view.

Peace.

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 13:06:13 GMT

Report Shows FBI's Missed Sept. 11 Chances

By PETE YOST, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 11 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - In the weeks and months before Sept. 11, 2001, the
FBI had some clues, but didn't see them. It had a lead from one of its own agents, but didn't follow it.
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A sobering inside look at pre-Sept. 11 intelligence operations by the
Justice Department's inspector general chronicles — in some instances in hour-to-hour detail — how the FBI missed at least five opportunities to uncover vital information that might have led agents to the hijackers.

"The way the FBI handled these matters was a significant failure that hindered the FBI's chances of being able to detect and prevent the Sept. 11 attacks," Inspector General Glenn Fine said in a newly released report Thursday.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales acknowledged Friday that there were laws on the books before the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks that "discouraged the sharing of information" among law enforcement and intelligence agencies.

Appearing on NBC's "Today" show, Gonzales noted that many of those laws "have now been dismantled" and said he thinks the government is in a better position than before to avert such attacks. "You have the ability to connect the dots" of terrorist plots, Gonzales said.

An FBI agent suggested to the chain of command two months before the attacks that there was a coordinated effort by
Osama bin Laden to send students to the United States to study ways to take down U.S. aircraft.

Failure to fully heed the agent's theory was indicative of an agency that failed to accord strategic analysis the attention it deserved, the report said.

Even when the bureau had hard information shortly before the attacks about the presence in the United States of eventual hijackers Nawaf al Hazmi and Khalid al Mihdhar, "the FBI's investigation then was conducted without much urgency or priority," the report concluded.

The investigation of Mihdhar "was given to a single inexperienced agent," the report said.

Responding to the IG's criticism, the FBI said it has since taken substantial steps to deal with the issues the report raised.

Today, "no terrorism lead goes unaddressed," and new policies are in place to share information among intelligence agencies, the FBI said.

The IG's review, a year old, is only now being released because of a court fight with lawyers for imprisoned terrorist conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui over how much of it should be disclosed. The portions on Moussaoui were deleted.

According to the report,
CIA employees and four FBI agents assigned to the CIA's bin Laden unit on Jan. 5, 2000, accessed incoming cables containing a substantial amount of information about Mihdhar, including that he was traveling and that he had a U.S. visa. Those facts weren't disseminated to the FBI.

The information was written up that day by one of the FBI agents assigned to the CIA's bin Laden unit. The FBI agent sought, but was never able to get, the required go-ahead from the CIA's deputy chief of the unit to send the draft to the FBI. Ten days later, Mihdhar and Hazmi were in Los Angeles.

All of the CIA and FBI personnel who were involved in the matter now say they remember nothing about the document that wasn't sent. The document is called a Central Intelligence Report, or CIR.

"When we interviewed all of the individuals involved with the CIR, they asserted that they recalled nothing about it," the report stated.

Mihdhar came under CIA scrutiny because the National Security Agency had picked up communications that al-Qaida operatives were planning travel to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and Mihdhar showed up at the meetings.

Once in the United States, Mihdhar and Hazmi lived openly in San Diego and "should have drawn some scrutiny from the FBI," the report said.

The head of the San Diego FBI office responded that the report greatly exaggerates the possibility that local agents could have prevented the attacks.

The two Saudis rented a room in the home of a longtime FBI terrorism informant, and also befriended a fellow Saudi who had drawn FBI scrutiny in the past.

The informant identified the two men to his FBI handler only by their first names, and the report criticizes the FBI handler as "not particularly thorough or aggressive" in following up.

The two men also befriended Omar al-Bayoumi, a Saudi who had established himself in the area. The FBI briefly investigated him in 1998 when the manager of his apartment complex reported that al-Bayoumi had received a suspicious package, had strange wires in his bathroom and hosted frequent weekend gatherings of Middle Eastern men.

Also Interesting... to those (including Mythbusters) who said it's not possible...

Israel May Use Sound Weapon on Settlers

By AMY TEIBEL, Associated Press Writer 2 hours, 22 minutes ago

JERUSALEM - Israel is considering using an unusual new weapon against Jewish settlers who resist this summer's
Gaza Strip evacuation — a device that emits penetrating bursts of sound that leaves targets reeling with dizziness and nausea.
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Security forces could employ the weapon to overcome resistance without resorting to force, their paramount aim. But experts warn that the effects of prolonged exposure are unknown.

The army employed the new device, which it dubbed "The Scream," at a recent violent demonstration by Palestinians and Jewish sympathizers against Israel's West Bank separation barrier.

Protesters covered their ears and grabbed their heads, overcome by dizziness and nausea, after the vehicle-mounted device began sending out bursts of audible, but not loud, sound at intervals of about 10 seconds. An Associated Press photographer at the scene said that even after he covered his ears, he continued to hear the sound ringing in his head.

A military official said the device emits a special frequency that targets the inner ear. Exposure for several minutes at close range could cause auditory damage, but the noise is too intolerable for people to remain in the area for that long, he said.

Another official, also speaking on condition of anonymity because of his sensitive position, said the device hasn't been tested on subjects for hours at a time, so he couldn't discuss effects from prolonged exposure.

He said there was no direct connection between the recent introduction of "The Scream" and the forcible removal of settlers who resist evacuation orders, which is to begin in mid-August. But he didn't rule out the possibility of using it to root out settlers if persuasion fails.

The other official said "The Scream" could be used if protesters march on Gaza settlements or take up military positions.

"The whole issue of non-lethal is viewed from a desire not to get into a situation where soldiers are in distress and the consequences would be harsher than expected," he explained.

He said the military is still evaluating the device's debut performance in the field.

John Pike, director of the GlobalSecurity.org think tank in Alexandria, Va., said he believed last Friday's demonstration was the first case of such technology making it out of the laboratory and into the field. He said the U.S. and possibly China and Russia are developing acoustic weapons.

"I'm not aware of any other agency that is actively using it at this point," Pike said.

The military offered few details on the device, but Pike said he assumed it worked on very low frequencies that set off resonance in the inner ear. He said he was unaware of potential damage besides possible hearing loss.

Though the military refused to comment, Pike said the device probably sends its sound waves out in a specific direction, protecting the soldiers behind it.

"Most governments don't face large-scale demonstrations with a potential for lethal violence," he said. "So I think I would look to Israeli security forces to be an innovator in the non-lethal arena, simply because of the unique challenges it faces in the crowd control arena."

The military officials said Israel is constantly trying to bring new non-lethal weapons into the field but wouldn't disclose details. Its current arsenal includes tear gas as well as rubber-coated steel bullets, which have caused dozens of Palestinian fatalities.

Critics say Israel, with all its military technology savvy, should have done more in the years since the first Palestinian uprising began in 1987 to develop non-lethal weapons for use against hostile Palestinian masses.

Troops often turn to live fire, sometimes against teenage Palestinian stone-throwers. Police, too, used deadly force in October 2000 to put down rioting by Israeli Arabs at the start of the second Palestinian uprising. Thirteen Israeli Arabs were killed in those riots, and a commission of inquiry found that police used excessive force.

Israel's B'Tselem human rights group says Israeli security officers don't come equipped to police protests. "Although they could have anticipated they would have to disperse crowds, they didn't equip themselves with non-lethal means," spokeswoman Sarit Michaeli said.

Weapons they do have, such as rubber-coated bullets, are misused — fired, for example, at too close a range, Michaeli said. The rubber-coated bullets can be lethal from close range.

Pike said the reason there aren't more non-lethal weapons available worldwide is because it is difficult to achieve both safety and effectiveness.

"The number of things that are genuinely effective at crowd control and substantially less lethal than lethal weapons — it's a pretty short list," he said.

Weapons like pepper gas wouldn't put off a determined crowd, Pike said. Something like sticky foam might keep people out of a building, "but if I'm talking about controlling a mob in a city square, it just doesn't enter into play," he said.

Israel's past efforts to develop non-lethal crowd dispersal weapons included a gravel-spewing machine introduced and quickly abandoned during the first Palestinian uprising.